The Adventures of Angry Vagina and Her Dating Software | HuffPost Recreation

Let me tell you an account of a close friend of my own named Angry Vagina. One intimately disappointed time, she decides to join a mobile relationship app against the woman better wisdom. Dared to sign up by a Penis Custodian friend of hers (technically perhaps not bangable because of “nobody’s fucking company”) she’s not able to withstand the task and thus opens up herself widely and blissfully to your possibilities.

Therefore we start our very own story of the legendary furious V as she packages the app onto Rose-Goldie the iphone, placing her 6 best photographs including a superstar headlining picture as included below.

Provided limited space to articulate her success, she’s then obligated to condense the woman unbelievable biography into a few boner-inducing outlines and completes the woman profile perfectly. And just like secret, mushroom-head proprietors prepared for inspection straight away appear on the woman feed.

Per dating application principles, furious Vagina must swipe kept if a specimen helps make this lady dry as a piece of sandpaper or otherwise disgusts this lady. Instead she must swipe correct if she wants to explore the new shaft concerned.

Below we possess the privilege of observing the woman stream of consciousness as she sifts through the influx of moping scarecrows along with her new iphone.


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes kept)


Would I bang that man? No.

(Swipes left)


Would I bang that guy? Possibly. Umm.

Recalling the significant fairy myths of the woman youthfulness, furious Vagina instantly seems guilty for being very low and lends a lot more soul to the woman “swipage” as she continues the woman research Prince Charming.


Behold! myself is completely new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. We hath talked.

(Angry V hence reinvents the fairytale dating narrative, but this time around into the model of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner as opposed to sword, Prince slays impoverishment dragon to be able to get costly new iphone. He now climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic hair, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, upset V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong vocals . . .)


Quick man near small dog. Pretends is tall.

(Swipes remaining)


Cycle man likes spandex. Balls perhaps not big enough. Please mount bicycle in the place of lady.

(Swipes left)


Wide range placed in profile. Congratulations! Get thyself rubber pussy.

(Swipes remaining)


Too young. Like teen. Premature spooge probably.

(Swipes remaining.)


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Exactly why very bald everyday?

(Swipes kept)


“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed guys enabled.

(Swipes left)


Cat hater?!

(Swipes remaining, punches phone in face, inserts profile pic of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(Continuing like addicted.)


Computer software professional pretending becoming fascinating rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes left)


Sweet abs. Eliminate butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes remaining)


A lot of beard. Face woodland outcompete old growth woodland of upset Vagina.

(Swipes left)


Gym selfies merely? How ’bout penis pushups.

(Swipes left)


Oooooh! somebody is hat lover. Must certanly be addressing bald place.

(Swipes remaining)


You live WHEREIN? Or is that where you park your car . . .

(Swipes kept)



Wow you want activities? Fascinating. Certainly one of type. Time to delete online dating app and acquire married.

(Swipes remaining)



You love to SEXT? In which is middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes kept)


Demonstrates themselves in picture close to hotter man. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)


Claims to end up being ambitious it is an individual teacher.

(Swipes kept)


Children? Woman boner dead.

(Swipes remaining)


Listed as “director” on profile. Of what? Furious Vagina’s discomfort?

(Swipes kept)


No account details. Hail to at least one photo of acne-prone skin. Allow me to go right ahead and place legs available for your family today.

(Swipes kept)


Happy vegan with picture of alive cucumber. Manhood most likely shriveled and starving for protein. We’ll take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes remaining)


Whaaaat. Now they are offering me personally females. Swiping left too quickly?

(Swipes kept much more slowly)

(Angry Vagina takes break to get hold of closest friend “Nongay Wife” for sentimental words via text.)

“Nongay Wife, i will be top the chosen folks (otherwise known as Kitteh) through the wasteland like Moses. Searching locate water or Penis Custodian. I really do perhaps not determine if i shall survive. Kindly deliver assistance.”

(Waits for reply and goes on search.)


Oh no! Swiped correct unintentionally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Not allowed? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unsightly guy thinks he’s preferred. Fuuuuuck.

(brand-new inspiration.)

Left-swipage is gradually destroying nature. Must resort to self-swipage for repairing . . .

(Angry Vagina takes impromptu break. Was not prepared to come back to penis wilderness anyhow.)

(brief while later, back on cellphone application like laboratory pet.)


Trump supporter. Form of sexy. Can’t. Try To Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes kept)


Nipples pointier than my own.

(Swipes kept)


President of one thing? What number of unemployed guys is there?

(Swipes left)



Yes! Long-hair good. Lady-boner states hi.

(Swipes right)


Tresses a long time. Homeless guy.

(Swipes kept)



Scholar. Poverty lethal to ladyboner. . . must swipe before far too late . . .

(Swipes kept)


Appears 8 several months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes remaining)


Group chance with women! Wanting to persuade me personally they like you.

(Swipes remaining)


Freelance hot guy. Will likely not bang you in parents’ cellar.

(Swipes kept)



Plenty of sharp teeth. May possibly have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes kept)


Pretty sure each photo on your own profile is of various man. Enraged Vagina is puzzled.

(Swipes remaining)


Crazy smiley face. Seems also happy. Most likely serial killer.

(Swipes kept)


Hot guy fantastic human anatomy. Dull personality and task. Swipe remaining, furious V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes correct)


Over 40 never hitched. Depressed selfish guy. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh.

(Swipes remaining)


Thanks a lot for sharing peak. I am aware everything I want to know. Bless you.

(Swipes left)


Oh no! Mobile dying! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. A Lot More. Mushroom-head-

And merely that way, Angry Vagina has to call-it quits for the day until a phone charger are present. Just for now.

Theoretically, the forced downtime enables brand-new shaft prospects the ability to swipe right on the woman profile now, indicating their delusional wish of banging the lady. A lot of will not ever make a difference. But once her very own picked “right-swipes” return the benefit, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the land thickens.


Persistence, Furious V, Patience.



To-be continued . . .